Because He Loves...

BEST FEELING EVER....walking in from doing photographs and being muddy, tired, torn jeans probably, possibly even wet from getting in a creek or pond, and better if I'm bleeding some.  That might sound weird, but if I come in like that I KNOW I've got something good to download.  Because I would never go to those extremes if something wasn't worth it.  I love it!

I've realized something in conjunction with that lately. God does not call me to a painless life.  There is no where in a contract that says God won't call me to something that will cause a lot of hurt and pain.  That probably sounds contradictory to what many of us often believe but it's true.  To be clear though I'm not preaching on the "God allows bad things to happen but gives us the strength to go through it" thing, what I'm saying is God will lead us through something that we know and He knows in advance will cause us pain.  It's not from a sin or mistake, it's for His glory we will suffer.

Earlier in the summer a person came back into my life and several times throughout I tried to bow out of the relationship but I felt compelled by God to stay and this person (a he, yes) wasn't willing for me to end our communication and friendship.  I wanted this ended because I knew this guy was my kryptonite. My heart breaks for him when I know things aren't going well and I'm happy when I feel like things are well (And this is when we weren't communicating).  Keeping him close was too much vulnerability for me. So after making my final plea to God and hearing words of how much I am needed I sat on my bed and let the vulnerability of the situation sink in.  I accepted it.  And I knew there was no other outcome for me from having this friendship with him other than I would be wounded...again. Inevitably this would be terribly painful.

I had no pretty words to pray.  All I could do was repeat over and over "I know YOU love me...I know YOU love me...I know YOU love me..." I said it until I was crying and could barely utter the words. Because if anything could give me the courage to risk and face something hurtful I knew that simple fact could.

Alot of people will say that if something doesn't "work out" it probably wasn't God leading you in that decision.  I think that's a bit of a narrow minded and selfish opinion. Because it's not always about our temporary happiness in a situation.  Not all chapters end with "they lived happily ever after".  If that were the case there would only be one chapter in every book and how much of a story could that really be? No, see being heartbroken isn't always the result of a sinful mistake.  It calls Christ a "man of sorrows" it also says that He went through every trial we have faced not in order to look down on us or hang it over our heads but instead to SYMPATHIZE with us.  And it's true. I find that every situation I've gone through Christ has gone through as well... betrayal, doubt from people you should have encouragement from, waiting (He had to wait until he was 30 to actively start His ministry), etc.

My prediction was true.  I was once again wounded from the relationship.  And truth be told, it's ok. Does it hurt?  More than I really want to admit.  Was it worth it? Yes. Why? Because I know He loves me. I may not EVER see it, I may not EVER understand, but I will continue to BELIEVE that if I come out of something muddy, tired, torn, soaked to the core, and bleeding.  I know there's something in there that is exceptional and makes it completely WORTH it.